2017
Glory snuffles, feeling the cold air wake her. It’s nice and warm here like it was where they used to be, but this morning is cooler.
She nuzzles into Daddy’s neck. He’s warm. He’s always warm. He’s so big he’s like a giant from a story. But a nice one. A giant who makes pancakes and laughs when she tells him jokes.
He snuffles in his sleep, one of his big warm hands at her back. His hand is almost all of her back. She always feels safe like this.
She knows she’s getting bigger, and she needs to sleep in her own bed. But sometimes she has a scary dream and Daddy’s the only one who makes it better.
And he never, ever says go back to bed.
It’s just the two of them. Daddy and Glory.
He’s the best daddy in the whole world.
Buck’s phone alarm goes off, and he rubs at his eyes.
He’s tired, but not more than he’s been for the last four years.
Glory’s unwoken by the alarm, curled up on his chest, her tight curls tickling him lightly.
He watches her for a moment.
Yes, it’s not always comfortable to have a four year old sleeping in your bed, but sometimes she’s the only thing that helps him wind down and feel comfortable as well.
It’s probably kind of a codependent bond to have, but whatever. He’ll feel guilty about that when he gets through the million other things he has to think about.
He moves her as gently as possible. She barely stirs.
He’ll have a shower, get dressed and then wake her up to have her breakfast and get ready. Like always.
They eat cereal together.
“And we were in space so we had to wear hats like they wear in my book –” Glory tells him, in the middle of telling him about a dream she had last night.
“If we were in space, you know what we’d be called, honey?” he replies, smiling at her.
“What?” she asks, curiously. Mom hated him asking what as a question, said it was rude. He never got how it was rude if he wasn’t saying it rudely. He doesn’t do the same to her. He loves how much she loves learning.
“It’s a big word, you ready?”
She nods, eyes widening in excitement.
“As-tro-nauts,” he says, slowly.
She looks thrilled to have been given this new word to chew on. “As-asto-astonot,” she tries, like she’s turning over a piece of gum in her mouth.
“As-tro-nauts,” he repeats, gently correcting her.
“As-tro-nauts,” she tries, and he smiles so widely he thinks his cheeks are going to split.
“You did it!” he congratulates her, and she smiles with a wattage that could power Downtown LA.
She’s got the best smile. He thinks that’s maybe the part of her that looks most like him. He hopes anyway.
“My baby’s gonna be a little genius, I know it,” he says, happily, and she cocks her head.
“What’s that mean?” she asks.
“Tell you later, it’s time to brush your teeth.”
He braids her hair into two braids; being barely familiar with braiding any hair, let alone her natural curls, he’s not sure he’s doing it the best. But Krystal sent him some videos about it, and he alternates studying them with the reading he has to do for the academy.
He thinks he’s getting better.
Glory is very patient with him, for a very wiggly four-year-old.
“Ok, how do we feel about the stripey top, Glo?” he says, pointing to where he’s laid it out on the bed. “Or the butterfly one?”
She likes to feel like she’s making choices. If he chooses for her too much, she gets upset. He supposes he can understand that – when you’re so little, you have very little control over anything – even if it can be frustrating when they’re running late or something.
“Budderfly,” she says, pointing to it determinedly.
It’s possible he’s biased, but he thinks he alone has the cutest four-year-old in the whole world. He smiles and gets her into the blue butterfly shirt. She looks good in the light blue. Like him, he likes to think, sometimes.
She’s so happy with her shirt that she lets him pick out her pink skirt without argument.
When she’s all ready to go – cardigan, shirt, skirt, tights, socks, and shoes on – he picks up her little backpack and puts it on her back. “Ready to go, my little butterfly?”
She beams up at him. “Yes, Daddy!”
“Alright, let’s go then,” he says, beaming back.
Every time he takes her to daycare it hurts him a little. He feels like he’s barely getting to see her, but it’s all for her. So that she can have some more stability than they’ve had for the last few years.
He just hopes she won’t grow up and feel like he wasn’t there in her childhood. He’d hate himself for that.
He squats down at the daycare gate and kisses her head. “Be a good girl, ok?”
She beams at him again, and it takes every bit of willpower he has to not pick her up and run and blow off today, take her to the beach or something.
But he cannot. Because he is a responsible adult now. Responsible for a little girl.
“I love you, honey,” he says, instead.
“I love you, Daddy,” she echoes, and then she throws her tiny arms around his neck, lets him go and runs to her friends who are coming in too.
He sighs, straightening up.
“You still having trouble letting go?”
He turns around and smiles widely in recognition. “Shruti, hey!”
He gives her a hug, which she returns happily. He likes her the best of the daycare moms (and some dads) because she’s never hit on him, and she’s nearly a decade older and kind of reminds him of Maddie. Personality-wise, at least.
“And, yeah. It’s tough being away from her so much.”
Shruti’s expression sympathises. “I get you, Buck. I was so sick of child-minding I couldn’t wait to be back in the office looking at legal briefs, and then once I went back I missed Arash like mad. They’re really another part of you.”
“Well, he’s a little cutie, how could you not?” He grins. “And yeah. They are. How was Big Bear? Did Rajan actually light the fireplace?”
She giggles. “It took him many goes, but he did. Thank God. I didn’t think I could get so cold in California.”
He chuckles. She gives him her motherly look.
“How’re you going? I assume you’re still working at that hotel bar, then, when you’re not at the academy?”
He nods, tiredly. “When I’m not home, or grocery shopping, I’m probably there. Only as much as I can if I can get someone to look after Glory, or after she’s gone to bed.”
Shruti gives him a look so reminiscent of Maddie, even down to their similarly large, sympathetic brown eyes, that it hurts for a moment. “When are you sleeping in all of this, Buck?”
“Sleep is for the weak,” he jokes.
At her expression, he continues. “I’m getting enough. It’s not affecting me at the academy, and I have years of experience surviving on little sleep. And that was before I had a baby to look after.”
“Buck,” she says, gently. “I don’t want to pry, but I have a friend who’s a carer. Well, she’s a student but she takes on caring gigs, if you want me to give you her number.”
“She doesn’t mind looking after kids? And I can’t afford a lot,” Buck replies, feeling awkward. He hates being so poor right now, but if he can make it through the academy he’ll start being paid a salary which he’s never had in his life. AND he’ll have proper health insurance, which is vital for Glory.
Shruti smiles. “She’s very sweet. And she loves kids. I’m sure she could work out something reasonable with you.”
He smiles back, gratefully. “You’re really the best, you know that?”
Shruti waves a hand. “You’re a good guy, Buck. I don’t want you to be struggling.”
He pulls her into a hug, and then lets her go. “Alright, I really have to run but can you text me that number?”
“Of course,” she says, kindly. He then he takes off.
He can’t be late for the academy.
April 2014
Arizona is boring, mostly, now that ski season is winding down. Evan still gets work at the resort bar, but it’s not the kind of establishment where you can have fun to make your shift go better.
He’s just gotten home, two am, after a long shift.
He could’ve hooked up with the blonde girl who was flirting with him around 12:30 but as hot as she was, he was honestly just more looking forward to sleeping. And hook ups like that didn’t often stick around to cuddle. Whatever. He just wanted to sleep for several hours without having to be anything for anyone.
He checks his phone as he’s getting into bed. It’s not a good habit, but one he has nonetheless. He’s sleepy, and his eyes are drifting closed. He realises he has an Instagram message.
Krystal.
He takes a minute, lethargically trying to remember a Krystal who he would’ve added on Instagram. It could be a few.
Then he remembers.
It’s probably Krystal from Tampa. Who worked at Bubbles, with Lola. Her best friend.
He can’t figure out why, at this point in time, Krystal would message him. They weren’t all that close. She was friendly to him, sure, but it wasn’t like they hung out without Lola.
He clicks the message.
krystalperignon: hey evan – how are you doing? i hope you’re enjoying arizona! sorry to message out of the blue, but it’d be great if we could talk sometime when you’re not busy
He stares at it, confused. Even more confused than when he got the message.
Why is Krystal trying to talk to him? They never talked much when they knew each other. Not about more than superficial stuff. They got high together, sometimes.
Some of the girls at the club had been involved with drug dealers, guys doing illegal shit. Some of them had been doing it themselves. It wasn’t his business, and he’d been poor enough to understand that sometimes you gotta make ends meet, so he’d never said anything. He hadn’t thought she was part of that, but then again, Lola had told him about guys like that she was sort of seeing, casually. One time, she paid for a suite for them to party in with money she’d gotten from one of them. He’d been sort of afraid the guy would find out and try to kill him, or cut off his dick or something, but he never seemed to find out. And it had been a pretty great party. Very memorable night.
Was she in trouble from someone like that? Was Lola?
His mind races, anxious now. He couldn’t sleep now anyway, so he messages back.
evbuckley92: hey krystal! good to hear from you. arizona’s great!
evbuckley92: everything ok with you and lol?
It’s probably about five or so there, so he puts his phone away and is asleep within minutes, despite his still-anxious mind.
A few hours later, he wakes up and forgets, for a moment, that he was anxious last night.
Then he checks his phone.
krystalperignon: glad that arizona is poppin
krystalperignon: i have some things I need to tell you and I know its weird as shit but can I call you when you’re not working?
His heart speeds up.
ebuckley92: just woke up – can talk now if good for you?
The dots appear almost instantly. His anxiety spirals.
krystalperignon: now’s good, thanks
krystalperignon is voice calling you.
He sits up, and accepts the call, and then puts it to his ear. Not sure what to expect at all.
Maybe they need bail money? But they know he’s broke. Maybe they think he’s wealthier now he works in Arizona, and yeah, maybe it’s steadier work but it’s not exactly high paid.
“Hey Evan.” Krystal’s voice still has that Florida twang. It sounds different now, though. Quiet. She was never a quiet person. Neither was Lola. He liked it about them.
“Hey, Krystal.” He knows he probably sounds nervous, but he can’t help it. “Are you ok?”
He hears her slight intake of breath, like she wasn’t expecting this. “Um, yeah.” She doesn’t sound it, but her voice only shakes a little. “I gotta tell you something. I’m sorry to freak you out, but couldn’t do it another way.”
“Is everything ok? Are you in trouble? Is Lola?”
She sniffs, and his heart sinks horribly. “I – Lola was in a car accident. About a week ago. She – she passed.”
His stomach drops to his shoes. He’s never known anyone that died. Yet somehow it’s familiar, the way she sounds. The way she’s trying not to sound like she’s grieving, though she obviously is.
“Fuck,” he ends up saying, softly. “I’m – sorry, I didn’t mean…” He bites his lip. “I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks,” she says, and he can tell she means it. He can also really hear the hollowness in her voice, how she’s just keeping it together. Reminds him of something, but he can’t quite think of it.
The thought occurs to him that he’s not sure why she told him. It’s selfish, and he hates it. But this is devastating news and…they weren’t planning on seeing each other again, probably.
They didn’t break up in a shitty way. They were happy the last time they hung out. The last time they had sex. They didn’t break up because they weren’t really dating, and they both knew it was unlikely they’d see each other again once he left Florida. It wasn’t all that serious.
He thinks of her mischievous smile, her sparkling eyes, her beautiful, beautiful lips and something cracks in his chest. “Do you – do you need me for the funeral?”
It seems ridiculous to ask. Like he was so important to her life, they couldn’t have it without him. He might have just been some guy she was hooking up with for a few months, a year ago. “That white builder boy” as Krystal referred to him before they met. But Krystal was desperate to call him.
So, funeral.
“Oh,” Krystal says, almost like she hadn’t considered it. “Yeah. If you can make it, it’s in three days.”
“Of course,” he says, automatically. He has no idea whether his boss here will allow it, but if he doesn’t then fuck it, he’s out anyway. He’s got no desire to get stuck at a ski resort in Arizona.
Krystal takes a breath. “She had a baby. Three months ago.” Krystal’s voice betrays a sob that she sounds like she’s trying to suffocate.
This is an awful new fact, but not one he can comprehend as to why she’s telling him. “God, I’m sorry.”
She lets out something that almost sounds like a laugh, except for how it doesn’t because it’s not happy, or strong, or anything like that. More like a bad, weak copy of one that died immediately in her throat. “Yeah.”
“Why – why are you telling me?” he says, finally, and he knows it’s shitty, but he can’t handle it any longer.
Krystal sighs. “Evan, I know…I know you guys weren’t really like…not fuckin’ other people,” she tries, and stops. “But think about when you left. She told me she only slept with one other guy around that time, and she was pretty sure it wasn’t his. And then, when the baby was born, well. She was pretty certain.”
He can’t take in this information. Not that she slept with someone else – they weren’t exactly monogamous, and he didn’t really care. With his work taking him out of town up and down the state sometimes, and her job, and both of them being young and hot – they knew they weren’t in a long term thing. But it was fun, and they liked each other a lot.
His chest splinters again.
Fuck.
She’s dead.
And there’s a baby. And his brain won’t let him make the logical leap he knows it should. Like it’s protecting him.
“It’s yours, Evan,” Krystal says, a tone of hurt in her voice. Like she thinks he’s playing dumb. “I know you’re not one of these assholes who’s down for the fun but don’t wanna be responsible for they baby.”
Fuck. Fuck.
His breathing comes faster and faster. “Why – why didn’t she tell me?” he gets out, strangled.
Krystal’s voice shakes. “She didn’t know whether she was gonna keep it. Then she did, and she felt like…if she didn’t know, it weren’t worth fucking up whatever you were doing in Arizona. And then when she had the baby…” She pauses. “I think she thought she was doing you a favour.”
He can tell she doesn’t agree, but she’s clearly also grieving too much to be mad about it.
“Fuck,” he says, pulse quickening. “Fuck, I don’t even care about my job here. I would’ve come back. You know I would’ve come back –”
Horrifyingly, his words are broken by a sob. Suddenly he’s crying so much he can’t breathe.
“Breathe,” he tunes back in to hear Krystal saying. “Please breathe, Evan. I’m so sorry.”
She sounds like she might be crying too.
He breathes with her, and then they’re silent. Processing.
“What’s the baby’s name?” he finds himself asking.
“Glory.” Krystal sounds almost happy, for a second. “She’s beautiful.”
“Glory,” he breathes. He feels like – like he’s just been born. Or he’s become someone different, in the last few minutes. “Can you send me a photo?”
His voice is so small.
He has a daughter.
“Of course.”
He waits, putting her on speaker, so he can’t miss it.
His heart jolts, seeing the pic come in.
He enlarges it, and his hearts smashes and heals all over again.
She is beautiful.
Tiny. So tiny.
Probably tinier when she was born.
Curly tufts of dark hair, already.
He can tell why Krystal thinks she’s his. Her eyes are round and dark like Lola’s, but her skin is lighter than Lola’s is. Was. He doesn’t know for sure, but Lola was pretty upfront. And she used to joke that he was her only white boy.
He resolves immediately. As immediately as he fell in love looking at the photo of the baby daughter he hadn’t known about ten minutes earlier. “I’ll be there for the funeral. I’ll see you soon.”
2017 – Day One, Firehouse 118
Buck sits down to eat with the rest of the firefighters and feels a sense of relief he hasn’t really felt in years. Silly to think so this early – he’s been here before, thinking a new place was gonna be it for him – but he has a sense it is. This is where he’s meant to be. This could be a home for Glory and him. And with Shruti’s help finding someone to look after Glory when she’s not in daycare and he’s on a long shift, he thinks he’s finally getting a handle on this whole single-dad-proper-job thing.
Late 2017 – Sometime into his probationary period.
Buck does not have a handle on this single dad thing. Some days he barely feels like an adult, except he has to be, because he has a tiny human relying on him.
He puts all his time that isn’t spent working or organising stuff or paying bills into his daughter, and he thinks they have a very good relationship. He doesn’t think that she feels like he did as a kid.
But sometimes – sometimes he just needs an outlet. To feel, just briefly, like he did when he was younger and unencumbered. Not that – Glory makes him feel whole in a way he hadn’t since Maddie left, and he would never, ever trade getting her for the loneliness he felt in his early twenties on his own – but sometimes, it’s just nice to pretend he’s still the guy who was cocky and overconfident (mainly to hide said loneliness) and did very well with women.
This is why he’s currently buttoning his jeans up in the middle of the night as Maria – Maritza? – sleeps. It’s not a cool move, but then it wasn’t like he had proposed marriage. He’d just gotten the push from Glory’s carer to go out, so he’d put on his best jeans and his flannel and his leather jacket (not a lot of use for it day to day) and flirted with a woman at the bar.
He grabs his stuff and heads out. In the uber home, he sighs. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep. He tries not to. Better to just make a clean break afterwards.
When he gets home, he remembers Glory is still sleeping over at Nasrin’s house. It’s definitely above and beyond what Nasrin should be doing, but she’s basically family to them at this point.
He looks in at Glory’s empty room of the 2-bed apartment they live in, and somewhat mournfully goes to bed.
Being a parent is weird, because sometimes all you want is two seconds without having to think about what your kid is doing and what they need and are they happy and are you messing them up for life, and then you get it and you feel sad and miss them because you don’t know how to be without them now.
Nasrin brings her back the next day, and she jumps into his arms like she hasn’t seen him in weeks. He cuddles her to his chest like he’s been on 48 hour shifts for a month.
“Did you have fun with Nas?” he asks, and she nods.
“We painted our nails and we ate ice cream and watched movies it was so fun!”
He laughs. “Wow, how will you ever want to come back here? That sounds very fun, babygirl.”
“Of course I want to come back, you’re here,” Glory says matter-of-factly, and his heart bursts with love for her.
“You’re the world’s best kid, you know that?” he says, kissing her on the head. “They decided and they told me it’s you.”
She giggles. “Daddy.”
He puts her down. “Can you put your bag away in your room? Then we can hang out.”
She nods and runs off.
Nasrin hugs him, and he her.
“Sorry, I tried to be conservative with the icecream at least,” she says, grinning.
He chuckles. “I trust your judgement. Also, we’re both familiar with how lethal her cuteness can be.”
Nasrin nods. “True.” Her eyes sparkle, watching him. “So, you have a good night? I hope you didn’t come home early and mope about Glory being away.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t do that every time, that was once.”
“Twice.”
“Whatever. I had a nice night, alright. Thank you for allowing it.”
She smiles, a little softer. “Anytime, Buck. I know you run yourself ragged, but you’re allowed to take a break every so often. Be an adult.”
He rubs a hand across his face. “I know. Thanks.”
“Again, anytime.” She pats his shoulder. “I know you pay me to look after her, but we’re friends. You helped my girlfriend move. You’ve got a lot of favours with me.”
He smiles, tired. “I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
Hen finds him in the loft, pacing.
He likes Hen. She’s smart, good in a crisis, doesn’t take anyone’s shit. Which is sometimes his, admittedly, but that’s mostly unintentional. He’s grown up a lot in the last few years but he can still say some dumbass things when he’s not thinking.
They’re friends, he likes to think. But he’s not sure they’re all that close.
He’s kind of spiralling when she finds him.
“Hey, Buck,” she says, although he doesn’t hear her. He’s too in his head.
“Buck,” she says, louder.
He blinks and looks at her.
“Oh, hey.”
He sees her eyes soften. “Everything ok?”
He pauses at the question, unsure how to answer it. He knows it irritates his teammates when he overshares about things, or talks too much, it’s not like he ever means to it just happens.
“Um, yeah,” he tries. “Just some home stuff.”
She drops down on the couch and pats the side next to her. “Come on. You know, you can talk to me. We’re just killing time right now and I already restocked the ambulance.”
He takes a breath and finds it steadying. “I’m just thinking about the woman who looks after my daughter.”
Hen’s face works to stay sympathetic, and Buck shakes his head, realising his misunderstanding. “No, no, not like that at all – she has a girlfriend – but she’s been with us for a few months and she’s a godsend, and I thought I was finally getting it together, but she’s got this job offer in Chicago that I really think she should take because it’s what she’s been studying and it would be really good, and her girlfriend is even going to move, and that’s great but I’m freaked out because Glory loves her and we both love her and she’s going to be so sad, and I have no idea who will look after her when I’m on shift – ”
He feels a hand on his arm. “Buck, take a breath.”
He lets the out he’d been holding, and then takes another.
Hen’s expression is genuinely sympathetic now. “That’s really stressful.”
He nods.
“And if you need help, we’ll figure it out,” Hen tells him, and stupidly, he suddenly wants to cry. “We’re a team.”
He glances away, and then back. “Thank you.”
“Of course,” she says, gently. “Parents gotta stick together.”
He smiles, a little. “Thank you,” he repeats. He turns to her more. “Did Denny ever have anyone leave his life that he loved? That he can remember?”
Hen considers the question. “Well, he was only a baby when Eva went to jail. But he’s had friends move away, and that’s been sad.”
Buck chews his lip. “How did he deal with it?”
“Questions, mostly,” she admits. “He was sad too, for a time. Does Glory spend a lot of time with this woman?”
Buck nods. “Yep. If she’s not in daycare and I’m on shift, mostly.” He groans. “Fuck, sorry, I just feel like – I keep trying to make the right decisions and then it feels like they go wrong. I signed up for the academy because I don’t have office skills and I didn’t want to be in hospitality forever because I need to be able to look after my kid, and I liked the idea of helping people, and it felt like a stable adult job and I liked the idea of having full days off to be with her, but now I just feel like I fucked up again. I can’t do this job if I can’t find someone to –”
“Buck,” Hen cuts in, gently, and he takes a breath again. He watches her, anxiously.
“You’re in the right place,” she tells him, and it’s amazing what he’ll believe because she says it. She’s got a presence that is both commanding and soothing. Depending on her mood. She’d make a great leader. “And I promise you, we’ll figure out who can look after her.”
“Thanks,” he echoes, but it’s still rattling around his brain. That voice that sounds a bit like Mom, telling him shrilly that he’s failed again. That he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Hen pats his bicep. “You’re not failing, Buck. I know you’re a good dad.”
A sob escapes him and God, that’s embarrassing, he tries to swipe at his eyes.
“It’s ok,” she says.
He sniffs. “I just…really needed to hear that.” He lets out a breath. “I love her so much, but sometimes I think…I’m just making this up as I go along, I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s not like I had much of a good example from my parents. I know how to do most of the boring shit like doing laundry, making meals – I’m even getting better at cooking thanks to Bobby – because of them, but I’m so scared I’m gonna mess her up. What if I don’t realise it, and then she is so upset and can’t talk to me, and she runs away as soon as she can?”
Hen pulls him into a hug. They stay like that for a moment. He realises, idly, that he’s never told anyone here about the running away. He’s mentioned having various jobs and moving around the country, but not about what started it.
She lets him go. “It’s not going to happen to her. Not if you love her and respect her, honey.”
She’s never called him that before. He likes it. It reminds him of – well, one breakdown at a time. At work at least.
She watches him, something sad in her eyes. Magnified by her glasses. “Did that happen to you?”
He nods slowly. “My parents uh…I mean, it wasn’t like. They weren’t like, abusive. They didn’t kick me out. But I…they were never there. Like, they were physically, but not emotionally. And I couldn’t stand it any longer. And I haven’t been back since.”
“Do you talk?” Hen asks, tentatively. “If you want to say, that is.”
Buck shrugs. “Mostly through text, not all that often. Mainly I think they like to check I’m not dead every so often. I used to be the one to reach out more. It’s been about three years since I last talked to either of them though.”
Hen breathes out. “That’s tough.” She pauses. “It’s different, with my mom. We used to be very close, but then she couldn’t really accept me, so we didn’t speak for a long time. She didn’t go to my wedding.”
Buck breathes in. “I’m sorry.” He thinks about it. “Is it better now?”
Hen nods. “It is. Getting better. She loves Denny.”
Buck considers this. The thought of bringing Glory around them makes him shrivel up inside. “That’s good.”
“I’m guessing they haven’t met Glory. Do they know about her?”
Buck nods. “Didn’t tell them for a while. I think I was waiting for them to contact me, because I didn’t want to call just so my mom could lecture me about responsibility. Or God forbid, parenting.”
“That’s fair,” Hen agrees. “You think you’ll ever allow them to meet her?”
He shrugs. “I have no idea. At this moment, it seems impossible, and I hate the idea of sharing any part of her with them. I’m protective of her, because she’s…all light, and I don’t want them to suffocate hers.”
“And I think that’s your decision. For now.”
He pauses, thinking. “And I don’t think….as far as I know, they were never super conservative. They’re teachers. But they’re older middle aged white people from Pennsylvania. I’m afraid…I’m afraid of they way they made me feel, but I’m also afraid they’ll make her feel a way I can’t predict.”
“Because she’s black?”
He nods and feels the panic welling up inside again. “Yeah, it’s…it’s hard, sometimes, thinking I won’t always understand her experiences. Right now, she’s mine. We’re like each other. I – I don’t have a manual on how to do this, but I do my best to understand what she needs, I learned to do her hair from videos her mom’s best friend sent me and I think I’ve gotten a lot better at it…but I would hate, if they met her, for them to even say one thing that made her uncomfortable. Made her feel like, different and wrong, even if they didn’t do it intentionally. I’m so scared of that. I’m scared they’d do it. I’m scared I’ll do it, and I won’t know.” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry Hen, I don’t mean to just – dump this on you –”
She shakes her head, too. “I asked. And as a black woman, and a parent, I’m probably the best person here to talk about it.” She sighs. “The first thing, as with parenting generally, is that you’ll probably fuck up. You need to allow her to tell you, when you do. And I’d recommend reading some black academics if you think you could use more of an idea of the issues she might face growing up in this country.”
“I can do that,” he says, and it feels better. That’s a thing he can do. A concrete thing. “Thank you.”
She smiles at him. “You’re a good guy, Buck. A little overexcitable at first, sure, but you have a good heart. And if she has stuff she can’t really talk to you about, stuff to do with all that, she can always come to me. Or Karen. This house is a community. You’re part of ours now.”
He sniffs. “Sorry, Hen, I just –”
“Don’t apologise,” she says, simple and kind, and pulls him into another hug.
He hugs her back. He might love her a bit, like anyone who’s ever shown him a little kindness, a little grace. He misses his sister. It feels like having another. “Thank you,” he repeats.
Glory tugs on his jeans and raises her arms up, as they’re standing at the doorway. Sometimes he’d like to say no. One day she’ll be too big for this. But neither of those things are happening today, so he scoops her up and settles her on his hip.
“What if they don’t like me, Daddy?” she whispers.
He turns his head to her. “Ridiculous. They’ll love you. You’re too cute for people not to love you.”
“Really really?” she asks.
“Really really,” he replies.
It’s a thing they do.
He presses a kiss to her hair, nicely braided for the day, and he hears movement behind the door.
It opens to reveal a beaming Hen. “Hey! You found it ok?”
“Yeah,” he says, strangely relieved to see her. “We left very early and were very good the whole drive, weren’t we?”
He turns his head to smile at Glory. She nods.
“I’m glad you were able to keep him in line. Maybe you can teach me some tricks,” Hen jokes, and Glory giggles. She beams at Glory, a special motherly kind of smile. He feels like he’s gotten it a time or two. “It’s so nice to meet you, Glory. My name’s Hen. I work with your Dad.”
Glory stares at her, wide-eyed in excitement but suddenly shy. He jiggles her lightly on his hip. “Say hi to Hen, baby.”
“Hi Hen,” she says, waving a little.
Hen seems thrilled. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“At work?” Glory asks. “Are you a firefighter too?”
“You better believe it.”
Glory’s eyes go even wider. “How many girl firefighters do you have?”
“Not enough,” Hen laughs. “Are you gonna come work with us some day?”
“Maybe,” she says, giggling now.
“Alright, let’s give her a decade before we decide her future,” Buck jokes. “Even though I know she’d be a super fantastic firefighter if she wanted to.”
Hen welcomes them in. Buck puts Glory down, holding her hand.
Her son, Denny comes up to them. Buck’s met him once, he’s six or seven years old and very cute, but other than that he doesn’t really know much about him.
“Is this your friend, Mama?”
Hen puts her arm around him. “Denny, this is my friend Buck, from work. And this is his daughter, Glory. She’s only a little younger than you.”
Denny smiles brightly. He’s missing a tooth, adorably. “Nice to meet you. Can I show Glory my room?”
He smiles. “Thank you, Denny.” He turns back to Glory. “What do you think, Glor?”
She nods. “Can I?”
“Go, have fun!”
The kids run off together.
He hugs Hen hello. “He’s a great kid,” Buck remarks.
Hen glances fondly over in the direction they went. “He’s pretty special.” She turns back to him, happily. “God, she’s even more gorgeous than in the pics you showed us. And so cute.”
He beams. He loves when someone compliments her. It’s not like it’s a compliment for him, but he feels so proud. That’s a human that he made and continues to keep alive and well fed and mostly happy and only occasionally is she prone to meltdowns.
“I know right? Not that I’m saying I’m – just – she’s dangerously cute. I have to be very careful what I’m agreeing to when she asks for things.”
Hen chuckles. “Oh, I know. You gotta build up a tolerance. Now c’mon, Karen’s in the kitchen.”
He runs up to the gate again, worried he’s late. He hadn’t meant to be, but the traffic in this city in sometimes designed to personally fuck him over, or at least he thinks so.
“It’s alright, honey, they’re not out yet.”
He turns to see who’s saying this and sees a petite black woman smiling at him in such a gentle, warm way that he actually feels better.
“Uh, thanks.” He smiles at her.
“Were you at a fire?” she asks.
He’s confused as to how she’d guess that for a moment, and then realises he’s still in his uniform because he didn’t change, realising he was probably going to be late. He chuckles. “Oh, yeah. Structure fire. Wasn’t too bad, just went on longer than expected.”
“And you’re ok after that?” she asks, and weirdly, he feels like she genuinely cares to know the answer.
“Uh, yeah,” he says, with an awkward half-chuckle. “I mean, no one died. There were some burns, but nothing awful, just small stuff. This was an easier one.”
“Thank the Lord for that,” she says, and he’s not religious, he has the dimmest memory of going to church a few times when he was very young, but he likes the way she says it. “Sounds like you really help people, that must feel good.”
He nods. “It does, most of the time, thank you.”
She smiles again. “I’m Carla, by the way.”
“Buck,” he introduces himself, shaking her hand.
“Nice to meet you, Buck.”
Her smile is incredibly warm, it’s comforting. Makes him miss Maddie, for a moment, but then he puts that thought away.
“Is it your child you’re picking up here?”
“Yeah, she’s four.”
He can tell she’s doing the mental math that everyone does. “I know, I’m young.”
“Lot of responsibility for that age. I respect that,” she says, and it doesn’t sound judgemental. It would sound like that if his mother said ‘raising a child is a lot of responsibility’ to him. If she knew about Glory at all.
“Thank you,” he says. “It’s a struggle sometimes, but y’know, it’s worth it.”
She nods, smiles. “I’m here picking up my sister’s son, because she works full-time, and sometimes she has an emergency where she can’t leave the office, so I come in.”
“That’s good of you. Yeah, full-time is no joke with a kid.”
She watches him. “And you’re doing shift work, right? Must make things hard, do you have a nanny or someone?”
He pauses. “We did, she was really lovely. But she got into grad school, and I really wanted her to go because she’s a genius, but it was in another state, so. Still kind of trying to pick up the slack, but I have no time to meet new carers.” He blinks. “Sorry, I’m tired and you don’t need to know all that.”
“No, I asked,” she says, gently. “I hope you don’t mind me prying. But I’m a home health care aid, I could try and help you find some help.”
He blinks. “Really? That’s so generous, thank you.”
She smiles more. “Happy to help, honey.”
He stands there, quietly taken aback, once again by the kindness of people around him. “Can I just ask – and I hope this doesn’t sound like, rude or anything – why would you wanna help me? I’m just some random guy.”
She fixes him with a serious look.
“Because you look like you could use a break. I’m sure you’re doing fine anyway, but I believe we could all use a hand, some support. And I like what you do.”
He blinks. Wills himself not to cry in front of this nice lady. “Thank you. Really, thank you.”
“Of course.”
At that moment, the kids are let out and Glory goes flying up to him. He hopes he never feels anything less than delighted at seeing her. He picks her up as usual and hugs her.
“You smell like smoke, Daddy,” she says, wrinkling her noise.
He chuckles. “Occupational hazard, babygirl. I promise I showered.”
Glory doesn’t look like she completely believes him.
“Do you want to meet my friend?” he asks her, and she beams, all shower-related concerns forgotten.
He puts her on his hip so he can turn back to Carla.
“Glory, this is my new friend Carla.”
Carla’s eyes widen slightly, but she beams at Glory. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too,” Glory repeats, happily.
Buck has this feeling, suddenly, that this person will be important to him. That things are gonna work out.
Hen finds him in the kitchen, scowling at the coffee pot. “Why are you being so pissy about the new guy?”
Buck freezes. He can’t exactly say, no I’m not. He’d literally said who is THAT in a pissy way, on seeing the new guy, and he didn’t even mean to. It just came out. Because who the hell was this new guy with his goddamn eight-pack abs and his perfect stubble and his actual war experience? Who the hell was he?
He pauses, and then forces himself to speak. “I just – I don’t like him just coming in here and being so accepted immediately and just like…ingratiating himself. Like Captain Perfect with his war record and his Silver Star. I don’t trust it.”
Hen gives him a look like he’s being stupid, and unfortunately, he realises he probably is. But he has an irrational dislike of the guy and his perfect hair. It’s basically a carapace, it’s so gelled back.
“Well for one, you’re being ridiculous. It’s good we’re not hazing him, and we’re welcoming him. I’m sure he feels anxious about starting a new job.”
Then her eyes soften. “But you know we’re not replacing you right?”
There is it. The embarrassing log he’d rather no one look under. Of course, Hen’s too strong for him to keep it stuck on the ground. “I know,” he says mutinously, staring down at the counter.
She punches him lightly in the shoulder. “Good, because we care about you, idiot. Why do you think we’re replacing you?”
He stares down for a while and then raises his gaze back to her. “Because…” he starts, and his voice dies. He glances around furtively, but no-one’s really upstairs at all. “I’m a good fit in a pinch. When you don’t know me that well. I’ve picked up a lot from you guys and become a better, smarter firefighter. But I’m a single dad who’s just trying to keep it together as an adult, I’m kind of a mess, I don’t have a functional relationship romantically, or with any of my family members. Why’d you need someone who only kind of seems like the part when you have a guy that looks like a Marvel superhero and probably has his shit together, and probably a very functional relationship with a beautiful girl and literally got a Silver Star for bravery in the army? That’s the kind of person you want. Next to him, I’m just…a loose series of rubber bands in the shape of firefighter.”
Hen chuckles, caught off-guard, and then reaches out to hold his bicep, comfortingly.
“Buck, come on. You know we love you. And we don’t actually have a quota on jock-y young guys from the academy, yet.”
Buck laughs. “Ok.”
She gives him another one of her soft looks. “And hey, we barely know anything about him. Don’t assume he’s so perfect. Maybe you have more in common than you think.”
Buck snorts. “Well, I doubt it. But ok. I will try to keep it together better around him.”
“How was your day, Daddy?” Glory asks, as he makes her dinner after his shift.
“It was good,” he says, and maybe you shouldn’t lie to a child but she’s four, so he’s not going to burden her with his issues.
“Your face was kind of –” Glory pulls a frowny face. “ – before.”
He grins, caught. “Alright, detective, you got me. I was just a bit annoyed, but nothing you need to worry about.”
“What’s a detective? And about what?” She never stops asking questions. Maybe she will be a detective when she’s older. Or some kind of late-night show host.
He chuckles. “There’s a new guy at my work, and I don’t know if I like him yet.”
Glory cocks her head at him. “You always say if I have a problem with someone that maybe they’re just really sad or mad about something. You say I have to think about their feelings before I get mad at them.” Her eyes are big. “Maybe he’s sad or mad. Maybe he needs a friend, Daddy.”
Buck stops cooking. “Ok, smartypants, I do say that. And I will try to be thoughtful about him.”
He kisses her on the head, and she beams.
“That’s the emotionally intelligent girl I’m raising.”
He thinks she’ll be much more emotionally intelligent than him when she gets older.
Buck would like to say he thought about Glory when he agreed to help Eddie with the bomb. Once the adrenaline wears off, he’s probably going to feel pretty guilty. But all he could think was that Eddie shouldn’t get to have all the fun. He never gets to have fun much anymore.
And it was fun, sort of. Terrifying, but fun. Exhilarating.
And the way Eddie looked at him after he said, or you could have mine. It felt like something had shifted. Stupid, yeah, but like being suddenly very aware that this person was going to become important to him. Like a bolt zinging up his spine like a xylophone.
He could use a friend, one his age.
Buck hears a knock at the front door as he’s cooking dinner after another shift. Rather, as he’s starting to prepare food because he was running a little late. He puts down his knife, wipes his wet hands on his apron, and heads to the front door to investigate.
If it’s Mormons again, or one of those poor energy-sales people, he’s not sure he has the energy to have much of a conversation.
He opens the door and his heart misses a beat.
Because, impossibly, standing in front of his doorway is his older sister. Who he hasn’t had contact with in three years.
“Maddie,” he breathes.
She looks small, and tired. She must be, if she’s travelled all the way from Hershey to come here. “Hey Evan,” she says, with a small smile. Her eyes tear up. He feels his tear up too.
He pulls her into a hug and she goes immediately, crying softly into his shirt.
They hold each other tightly for a moment, and then he welcomes her in and closes the door.
He opens his mouth to say something, and feels a little hand pull at his jeans. “Daddy, who’s this?”
Maddie’s eyes widen, even though she knows about Glory. He wrote a postcard to her about it, even clipped a photo he took to it. He supposes it’s different seeing it in the flesh.
He leans down to pick her up and put her on his hip. “Glory, this is your Aunt Maddie. My big sister.”
Maddie’s eyes light up seeing her. “Oh wow, you’re so grown up,” she says, awed.
Glory gives her a suspicious look. “Why haven’t I met you before?”
“Glory – ” Buck starts, but Maddie smiles and nods.
“That’s a fair question, Glory. Family should be close by. I live on the other side of the country, in Pennsylvania, so it’s harder for me to come to see you.”
“That’s where Daddy’s from,” Glory recognises.
Maddie smiles more. “That’s right, that’s where we grew up.” Her eyes are getting misty. “Gosh, you’re a beautiful girl.”
Glory smiles. Like father, like daughter, he thinks, they love a compliment. “Thank you, Aunt Maddie.” She leans forward in Buck’s loose grip. “Are you sad?”
Maddie shakes her head. “No, I’m just tired. It’s taken me a long time to get here, and I’m just so excited to meet you. Your dad has told me so much.”
She reaches out and puts her tiny hand on Maddie’s arm. “I’m glad to meet you, Aunt Maddie.”
Maddie’s voice only wavers slightly when she speaks. “Can I hug you?” she asks, while catching Buck’s eye. He nods.
“Ok,” Glory says, and her recognises her curious tone. He hands her off to Maddie, and she holds Glory to her as Glory throws her arms around her neck.
Maddie catches his eye again, and it’s all he can do not to cry. She looks both elated and devastated.
She puts Glory down, and he turns to her. “Baby, would you like to go play with your toys for a while? I’ll call you for dinner.”
Glory pouts. “But I wanna stay with you and Aunt Maddie.”
“Please, honey. I just need to catch up with your aunt, and then we can all hang out at dinner.”
Glory glances between them and nods. “Alright. See you soon, Aunt Maddie.”
Then it’s just the two of them.
Maddie breaks the silence. “She’s really…precious, Evan. I can’t believe how big she is now.”
He tenses. “Well, time flies when you don’t send a single update in three years.” He doesn’t say it meanly, but just matter-of-factly.
She sighs, apologetically. “I know, and I’m sorry. It’s not what I wanted. But I’m out now.”
He’s surprised, somehow. “You left Doug? Where is he?”
Maddie shrugs. “Not my problem anymore. And yeah, I did.”
“Finally,” he breathes. He’d really thought it was never gonna happen. “Geez, Maddie. You don’t do things by halves. No contact for years and then suddenly you’re here on my doorstep.”
For the first time, doubt crosses her features. “I am sorry, Ev. But I – I can find a motel or something –”
He shakes his head rapidly. “I just got you back, you’re not leaving. You can have my bed for tonight if you want, I’m sure you’ve had a long journey. Though you may be woken up early by a toddler climbing in with you.”
Maddie shakes her head, expression grateful. “No, no, I’m happy to make up the couch. Thank you.” She smiles. “It’s nice that you let her climb in with you.”
“Well, I didn’t like it when our parents just told me to go back to bed.” He smiles back, a little. “It always made me feel a million times better when I had someone to hold me when I had a bad dream.”
She smiles. “Always made me feel better too.”
Glory and Maddie start getting along so well, and she starts looking after her while Buck is looking for a more stable caring solution outside of daycare hours. It feels almost like – familiar. Familial. Like the brightest memories of his childhood, where he and Maddie would watch movies in her room and eat popcorn.
Right now, Maddie has time because she doesn’t have a job. She doesn't show it to Glory, but he can tell she’s nervous with every knock at the door, at the thought of being in contact with the public. Because she had to flee that monster early one morning after he went to work.
She’s only told him a little, but the little he knows makes him so angry he wants to drive to Pennsylvania and return the favour to Doug. Maybe yell at their parents for not getting involved, or not protecting her or something, while he’s there.
But that’s a childish fantasy. It wouldn’t help Maddie. It certainly wouldn’t help Glory if he went to jail for assault or murder. So, he puts it away, tries to be there for her.
Maddie will want to do more at some point soon, she’s never been happy being trapped in the house. He wonders if she’ll try and go back into nursing. He wonders if she’ll ever properly divorce Doug.
But for now, it’s good. Carla told him about some people she knows that look after kids, and he’s set up meetings for whenever he can fit them into his busy schedule. She’s become a good friend, too, weirdly. Not that they see each other a lot, but that they check in on each other, catch up when they can. She’s kind of like a cool aunt, or what he imagines a cool aunt would be, because he had none, cool or otherwise growing up.
And there’s Eddie. He looks back on how grumpy and territorial he was a few weeks ago, and more or less just feels embarrassed. Because Eddie – now that he’s getting to know him – is great. He’s got a sly, sometimes-dark sense of humour, and yet is sometimes an unexpected goofball. He’s really talented in the field, and they work really well together. Like the small period of his life he played varsity football, having a teammate anticipate what you were doing, matching you without even asking, it’s rare and lovely to have. He’s just – Buck feels like they’re going to be good friends. He doesn’t know everything about him yet, probably doesn’t know most of it, but he feels like he knows that.
Maddie doesn’t get another nursing role, still feeling wary of the public. But Buck had heard that Dispatch was looking for new operators, and he’d told her about it. She’d always been good in a crisis. Buck needs her help less now he’s got Amara to look after Glory.
The first proper day Maddie’s there, after all the training, an 7.1 earthquake hits the city, and Buck’s life continues to change.
Eddie is nervous in the engine, checking his phone. He’s usually more unflappable than that, but he’s clearly worried about something. Or someone.
“Everything ok?”
Eddie glances up from his phone. “Yeah,” he says, noncommittally. Then he adds. “There’s no service.”
Buck feels for him. The daycare Glory goes to had managed to send an update that they were unaffected mostly by the quake, and that delays in picking up children would be understood, before he lost signal. But it doesn’t mean he’s not still anxious about Glory. He wonders who Eddie’s anxious about. A girlfriend? Wife? Boyfriend, even? He’s mentioned his elderly Abuela living here, and his aunt.
“Who are you trying to get a hold of?”
Eddie seems almost nervous, in a different way. Then it’s gone. He watches Buck. “Uh, my son. Trying to reach my son.”
Buck recognises the nerves now. Having a child is great, but being both young and a single dad can cause people to react weirdly. They’re either too sympathetic, or they see you differently. It’s weird and a little nerve wracking to admit it. It’s very personal.
Buck smiles, empathetically. “You have a kid?”
Eddie watches him still, just slightly wary. “Christopher,” he tells him. “He’s seven.”
Seven. Buck’s not totally sure how old Eddie is, but he’s either Buck’s age or only a few years above at most, which would’ve made him pretty young when he became a father. Maybe even younger than Buck was.
Eddie holds out his phone to show Buck his lockscreen, which is a picture of a laughing little boy with red glasses and the most adorable smile – other than Glory’s, natch. He doesn’t look a lot like Eddie, but Buck can see it in his smile.
“And adorable,” Buck tells him, happily. And not all kids are, he’s been around enough of them at this point, but Eddie’s kid really is. “I love kids.”
Eddie’s reaction to this is to smile slightly more, like he wasn’t quite expecting Buck to be so immediately accepting.
”Actually, hang on.”
He gets his phone out and shows Eddie the lockscreen. It’s Glory, and she’s also giggling because he’d just told her a very silly story about a rollerskate-wearing pig. It’s like an instant serotonin booster shot when he’s lagging during a shift.
Eddie smiles, a real smile, looking at it. It warms Buck’s veins.
“That’s my baby, Glory,” he tells him. “She’s four.”
“She’s really cute.” Eddie glances up at him, surprised. “I didn’t – I didn’t realise you had a kid. You’re so – ”
“Young? Handsome?” Buck says, being silly because he’s not sure what Eddie’s about to say. Though he can hazard a guess.
Eddie makes a face like Buck’s being ridiculous, except he hasn’t stopped smiling either. “I just – didn’t expect to meet another young dad.” He hesitates. “Is it just the two of you?”
Buck nods. “It’s a long story but yeah. Just her and me. But my sister just moved here, so that’s been nice for Glory.”
Eddie nods, and he seems more relaxed than he had. Some kind of shared understanding in their similar situations. “I’m all Christopher’s got. His mom’s not really in the picture, either.” He says it casually, but Buck can sense the tension in it. He’d be willing to bet she’s not in the picture, but she’s not passed away, either.
His expression falters again.
“I know how you feel,” Buck starts, wondering if he’s overstepping. “But I’m sure he’s ok.”
Eddie catches his eye, and Buck can tell he’s grateful, though. At least for the comfort.
After what feels like an incredibly long shift, Buck ends up offering to pick Chris up with Eddie because his school is coincidentally very near where Glory’s daycare is.
He almost cries, seeing her light up when he comes in and picks her up for a hug. “This was our first earthquake here, like we talked about. Were you ok?” he asks, kissing her head.
She smiles. “I wasn’t scared, Daddy.”
“Good,” he says, relieved more than he thought. There had been a fear in his mind that she was going through this new and scary thing without him, and wondering where he was and why he couldn’t get to her.
When they get back to the Jeep, Eddie is waiting outside the car.
She curls into Buck’s chest, shyly. “Who’s that?” she whispers.
“This is my friend, Eddie,” he tells her, easily. “He’s a firefighter too. And he has a little boy too, we’re going to pick him up from school.”
Glory moves off his chest a little, studying Eddie.
He smiles at her, warmly. “It’s nice to meet you, Glory. My son’s just a bit older than you.”
She smiles. “Nice to meet you,” she repeats. “How old?”
“Seven,” Eddie answers. “How old are you, Glory?”
She holds up a little hand and puts down her thumb. “I’m this many. I’m four.”
Eddie smiles at her, and his gaze flicks to Buck, who mouths, “I taught her that,” proudly.
At the school, they watch Eddie through the glass as he picks Chris up and cuddles him, looking just as relieved as Buck felt coming in and seeing Glory.
Glory smiles, maybe recognising the action. He’s outside, with her on his hip, waiting to meet them. “Why does he have those walking things?”
Buck turns his head to catch her gaze. “His body just works a little different to ours. But remember, we treat everyone the same way. And we’re polite, even when we’re curious.”
He doesn’t want to tamp down on her natural curiosity. His parents hated questions from him, and he could never stop asking them as a kid. But he also doesn’t want to embarrass Eddie’s son, or make him feel bad.
“Ok? You got it?”
She nods rapidly. “I got it.”
Chris and Glory seem to get on pretty well, and Buck doesn’t observe any inappropriate questions from Glory, which he’s proud of.
They’ve both had a long, exciting day so it’s not surprising when he realises they’re both asleep in the back seat.
“She’s really precious,” Eddie says quietly, turning back from looking at them.
Buck smiles. “She’s precious to me.”
“So,” Eddie starts, quietly. “She’s four, so you were what, twenty-two?”
Buck nods, his eyes on the road. “Yeah.”
“You’re not from here, right?” Eddie asks.
“No,” Buck replies. “I mean, I’m not from where she was born either, though.”
“Where’s that?”
Buck likes that Eddie’s curious about his life. He’s a guarded kind of guy – genuinely nice when you get to know him, and really competent, but he doesn’t share a lot and he doesn't get too involved in anyone’s business (Buck cannot relate).
“Florida.”
“Ouch. I didn’t know you lived there.”
Buck smiles to himself. “You don’t know a lot about me. But yeah, I worked construction up and down the coast for a few months.”
“That makes sense.” He waits a moment. “That’s how you met her mother?”
“Sounds like that show,” Buck muses.
Eddie gives him a blank stare. “I don’t know it.”
He shakes his head. “Whatever. Yeah, that’s where we met.”
He eyes the backseat. The kids are still asleep. Not that he’d expect her to understand anything, but he just wanted to make sure. “She was really beautiful, and fun, and we had a casual kind of thing. Mostly when I was in town, she wasn’t working. We never thought of it as that serious.”
Eddie’s quiet. “Sounds nice. How did you…” he trails off, like he’s looking for his words. “End up raising her?”
It’s Buck’s turn to be quiet for a moment. “I didn’t know about her,” he admits. “I might never have. But her mom passed in a car accident, and her best friend thought I should know about her.”
Buck glances at Eddie. His face is shrouded by the darkness of the street, but Buck can see he’s frowning a little.
“You alright?” he asks.
Eddie blinks. “Uh – yeah. Just seems…unfair that she didn’t give you a choice to know. You might’ve surprised her.”
Buck takes this in, wonders whether there’s a story there. He shrugs a little, hands still on the wheel. “I don’t know. We were really young, and broke, and I think…I think she was trying to give me a way out. I’ve never been able to hold a grudge for too long. Even if people deserve it.” He pauses. “Which I don’t think she did.”
Eddie’s quiet for another moment. “I’m sorry about what happened to her. It’s not fair.”
“No, it isn’t,” Buck agrees. “But, I guess…the only good thing to come out of that terrible thing is that I got to meet and get to know my kid. And she’s hands down the best thing I’ve ever done or contributed to this world.”
Eddie sighs. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Buck glances at him. “Chris is a pretty special kid, too. And I don’t say that about every kid.”
Eddie smiles. “You seem like the kind who loves them.”
Buck smiles, watching the road. “I do. But I know a special kid when I meet them.”
He can tell Eddie’s pleased, even without looking.
“So, why did you leave Florida?”
Buck almost laughs. “Why does anyone?”
He can hear Eddie snicker under his breath.
Buck waits a moment. “We were doing ok, me and Glory. Her mom’s friend Krystal was helping, where she could. I was fucking exhausted doing construction and then looking after a baby, and I couldn’t travel much for work anymore, but we were ok.”
He thinks about it, and maybe they weren’t. Maybe that was just what he told himself so he wouldn’t feel so alone.
“I know that feeling,” Eddie says, voice soft and a little tired. “It’s ok until it isn’t.”
Buck breathes out. “Yeah, right.”
They’re quiet for a moment.
“Glory had a temperature one day. Krystal was looking after her, but she had to go home to look after her own kid, and I left work early, and when I got home, Glory wasn’t…well.”
The memory still chokes him up, even though it’s a while ago now.
Eddie sucks a breath in. “It’s so fucking scary when that happens, and you’re not ready for it.”
“Yeah.”
Buck takes a breath. “I barely had health insurance, because anywhere willing to hire twenty-two year olds to do manual labour in Florida aren’t the most legit employers. It definitely didn’t cover Glory, and trying to get her into a 24hr clinic was so stressful, and the healthcare system in the state is just terrible and her temperature just kept going up and I just –”
He stops himself. It’s still fucking scary to think about. “I didn’t have anyone. Krystal did her best, but she could only give me advice. I wanted to text my sister so badly, but I was afraid of getting her in trouble. And I finally got into see a doctor, and they said to just take her home and take a steam shower with her.”
“What happened?” Eddie sounds genuinely concerned. Buck wonders if something similar happened with Chris. Almost certainly, and with Chris’ CP, there must have been a few close calls.
“Well, her fever finally broke sometime around one am, and I remember lying there with her asleep, finally, on my chest thinking I have to get out of here.”
Eddie makes a noise of ragged agreement. “Oh, been there.”
“When you left Texas?”
Eddie waits a moment. “Yeah.”
Buck doesn’t ask. He’s starting to get the sense Eddie will tell him if he wants to.
“So, why LA?”
Buck chuckles, softly. “Wanted to go somewhere with a beach, because we like the beach. But less humid. And I was reading this article about LA first responders online, and I thought – that could be good. And so I went to their recruiting website, and I was reading about their benefits, and I thought – I don’t have a lot of skills, but I’m strong from working construction and stuff, and I could get healthcare benefits for Glory too. If I can make it through the academy and find some care for Glory, I’ll end up with a stable job that pays a lot better than hospitality or construction.”
“I thought the same thing,” Eddie admits. “Chris’ medical needs can be expensive. I had offers for two other cities, but I liked LA. And Bobby swayed me.”
Buck grins. “Oh yeah? How’d he convince you?”
Eddie catches his eye for a moment then looks back to the windscreen. “Said it was a good team, close. Said he had a firefighter who needed a partner to temper him, who had a good heart. That we might have a lot in common.”
Buck smiles and glances at Eddie. “Really.”
Eddie nods. “Yep. Don’t know what he meant though.”
Buck stifles his laugh.
Later, when they reach Eddie’s, Eddie leans closer to Buck’s window, outside now and carrying Chris.
“You sure you don’t want an extra hand with the crutches?” Buck asks.
Eddie shakes his head. “No, I feel bad enough for keeping Glory from her bed. You should go. But thank you, for dropping us home.”
Buck smiles. “No worries.”
Eddie pauses. “You know, if you ever have a bad night with Glory, and you don’t know what to do, you can call me. I’ve been through enough with this one, I can at least provide moral support.”
Buck is moved, and doesn’t know what to say for a second. He’s had a lot of people help him with Glory, but just that simple statement has him floored. “Uh, thanks. You too. I’m happy to look after Chris or something if you want a night off.”
Eddie smiles, tiredly. “Thank you, Buck. Good night.”
He smiles back. “Good night, Eddie.”
They hang out more and more, finding a real understanding of each other’s lives. The kids seem to love hanging out – Chris doesn’t seem to feel embarrassed, hanging out with a four-year-old. He shows her his toys and games and reads books and plays with her.
It makes Buck care about him even more than he did for just his sweet, curious little personality.
And introducing Carla to him is a great idea, because she stays with Chris sometimes, and begins to pick up Glory and bring her over with Chris some afternoons. She becomes a real part of the family – albeit one they’re paying, deservedly, but still. A good friend.
One night, they’re hanging out in the kitchen while the kids are watching a movie, just talking.
“You’ve really got it figured out with him,” Buck says, taking a sip of beer. “I know he’s such a capable kid, but I feel like I’d be way more of a mess trying to care for a kid with special needs. I mean, I’m a mess anyway, but more of one.”
Eddie shakes his head. He never seems to take compliments, especially about this. “You’re doing good, Buck,” he says. “And – no, he makes it – well, it’s not, easy exactly, but with my tia and Abuela around I can at least have enough care, I’m just – I’m trying my best.”
Buck smiles at him, grateful for the compliment back. “Single parenting’s a bitch. You’re succeeding.”
Eddie doesn’t say anything, but keeps his gaze and smiles. He is really handsome, almost in an old-movie star kind of way. Buck allows the thought because it’s objective – the sky is blue, and his new best friend is very handsome. Which is fine.
“Thanks,” he says, after a moment.
Buck lets his curiosity get the better of him. “Hey, totally tell me to shut up, if you want, but – what’s the story with that?”
Eddie’s eyes are sad, even when he’s happy, there’s a little gloom in them. He can really see it now. He glances down and then back at Buck. “No, I can – talk about it. It’s been just the two of us…coming up on three years.”
Buck has guessed from something Eddie had said earlier that Chris’ mom is still living, even though she’s not with them. He wonders, though.
“That’s a while.”
Eddie inclines his head, a little. “I guess, yeah. Goes by quick, with the child-minding and the academy and everything.”
Buck chuckles. “Don’t I know it. I can’t believe Glory’s going to be five soon. I feel like she was in the palm of my hand two seconds ago!”
Eddie smiles, but Buck sees that sadness in his eyes expand. “I wasn’t around when Chris was that small.”
He wasn’t expecting that.
“Well, I came home for the birth. So, I got to hold him, and he was so small, but –” Eddie’s voice stutters. Buck’s not sure he’s ever heard him sound like this. He takes a sip of beer. “I didn’t have much leave to stay, so I was back overseas pretty soon.”
“In Afghanistan?”
Eddie nods. “Yep.” He’s quiet for a moment. “You see, Shannon left us. But I left first. That’s why I don’t like to talk about it, because it’s – complicated, and people get an idea of her that’s – just – it’s not the whole story.”
Emotions cross his face like wind-blown clouds, and it seems like he struggles to get the words out. Definitely seems complicated. Buck can understand being angry at someone for leaving you, and not wanting other people to think badly of them too.
“I get that,” he says, watching Eddie. “And if you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s cool, we can totally change the subject. But I don’t mind hearing it, if you want.”
Eddie watches him back, curiously. Almost – surprised. “It’s kind of a long story, that ok?”
“Yeah, that’s ok.”
Eddie nods slightly, appreciatively. “Well, I guess, if I tell you why she left, I gotta tell you the whole thing. So, we met in school. Ninth grade.”
Buck nods, smiles. “Long term relationship, then?”
Eddie shrugs. “Well, we met then, but she moved away, and then came back in senior year…”
“We weren’t in a good place. I was so tired all the time, and she was having to do the most with Chris.” He pauses. Buck gets the sense there’s a lot he’d like to say, but he doesn’t know how to put it into words. “She – she couldn’t stand her mom dying, and being stuck in Texas. I’m – I’ve been mad about a lot, but I get that. I think we were both just…fucking exhausted.”
Buck sighs. “That I can definitely understand. I don’t know if I’ve slept properly since 2014.”
Eddie nods. “They do that.”
“So, she’s here. In California?”
Eddie nods again, slower. “She doesn’t know we moved. I haven’t heard from her for over two years.”
“And you’re waiting for her to reach out?”
Buck watches him as he takes a sip. Tries not to watch his throat.
“She – I don’t know what she wants. Maybe she never wants to come back. But she has my number. I don’t have time for chasing her down.” He seems to settle into something defensive, shoulders raised.
“That’s fair,” Buck agrees. “How old were you…when she left? How old was she?”
Eddie watches him with his endless dark eyes. “Twenty-three.”
Buck sucks in a breath. “I was twenty-two when Glory was born. I gotta admit, there were moments I wanted to run off. I used to always be able to.” He watches his beer. “I’m sure she wants to come back. Maybe she just…doesn’t know how.”
He flicks his gaze back to Eddie. Eddie’s eyes are down, watching his beer.
“I’m sorry, if that was –”
“No, you’re ok,” Eddie says, catching his eye again. There’s a glint in his dark eyes, that old sadness growing. Honestly, the more Buck hears the more he’s surprised he’s still standing. Buck’s been through some tough times, but he’s never been shot. “Maybe she does. I don’t know. Thanks for saying that, though.”
Buck smiles at him, relieved.
Eddie smiles. “You said you met her mom in Florida.”
“You wanna know more about it?”
Eddie shrugs. “If you want. I’m curious.”
Buck smiles, surprised that he cares. “Alright.” He thinks. “When I was in my early twenties I was kind of on my own, and I was driving around the country, and I stayed in Florida because there was work for a kid without a college degree, and things weren’t super expensive.”
Thinking about that time is weird, makes him sad if he dwells too much. It was good, and it was fun, but he doesn’t forget how lonely it was. How much he wondered about Maddie, if she was ok.
Eddie raises his eyebrows. “Yeah, I can see it. Whereabouts?”
Buck grins. “Tampa, mostly, but I think I said before I worked up and down the coast. Only stayed in short-term rentals there, month-to-month, sometimes I’d get work for a few weeks somewhere else and I’d leave. But it was fun – not really the construction work, but the guys I met had good weed and stuff. Had a lot of fun there.”
“Right,” Eddie says, with a smile. “And you met Lola there, like you said.”
Buck nods. “I didn’t really do relationships. Just too hard when you don’t know where you’re gonna be next.” And if no one wants to keep you, but he doesn’t say it. “But I met this girl in the parking lot of a Publix, and she was just – stunning.” He breathes out, caught by a memory of her smiling at him there. It was so hot that day. He can still feel it, thinking about it. He remembers the sweat on the small of his back, the sweat beading along her hairline. “Her car wouldn’t start, and she was freaking out because she needed to get to work – as she told me later – but I offered her a lift. Which I wouldn’t usually overstep like that, but she seemed really stressed and upset, and I just – wanted to help her.”
Eddie smiles. “That’s very cute. Like a movie.”
Buck ducks his head. “Was for a bit, it was nice.” He looks back at Eddie. “Like I said before, it was casual. We hung out when we were both in the same place, and we liked each other a lot, but it wasn’t serious.”
Eddie nods. “Sounds nice.”
Buck imagines that he hasn’t really done that, if he was raising a kid from nineteen. He wonders if there’s been anyone since his wife left. But Eddie hadn’t seemed into it on the call at the bar where the girls hit on him. They hadn’t been his type, apparently.
“Yeah, it was,” he admits. “We both worked jobs that had long hours, sometimes we worked out of town, so it wasn’t going to be a consistent relationship anyway.”
“What did she do?” Eddie asks. “I don’t think I asked before.”
Oh. Buck always feels weird answering. He never really tried to judge, but even saying it somehow feels judgy. He’s never known the right way to say it, that people won’t form an opinion of her that’s somehow unfair. It wasn’t like she was unhappy or being forced. She smoked weed, but she wasn’t addicted to hard drugs. She liked it. She was twenty-two.
“Uh, she was a dancer,” he says, but he knows the euphemism hasn’t gone unnoticed.
Eddie’s eyes widen slightly. “Right.”
“Are you shocked?”
He smiles a little. “Knowing you, not really.” He pauses, then adds, “Not that I’m – judging. I worked several jobs before I left for LA, and it was tough. If you can make money – hell, if it had been a good enough offer, I don’t know what I would’ve done for it.”
And now Buck has to shove some mental images to the back of his brain very quickly. It’s fine. “Yeah, I mean some weeks, she made better money than me.” He takes a sip, because thinking about her is a weird series of feelings. “We had fun, but I wasn’t going to stay forever. She didn’t want to, either. I left when a buddy got me a job in Arizona in a ski resort. I was ready to leave, but we were good with each other. She said she was going to go to Miami, she’d have better opportunities there.”
The thought hurts. He hasn’t thought about her this much in a while.
“Right, and you didn’t know she was pregnant?” Eddie asks.
Buck shakes his head. “Never would’ve left, otherwise. It must have happened right before – and she must’ve not known until I was fully in Arizona and working.” He breathes out. “And then I got the call from her friend. Changed my life.”
Eddie’s eyes are solemn. “I’m sorry. Not about Glory but – about Lola.”
Buck wants to shrug it off, like, that’s life. But it’s not. It hurt. It just – wasn’t the same as losing your girlfriend, or your wife or something. It was complicated. “Thanks,” he says, quietly. “I mean – I grieved her. I grieved our time together. She was a friend, and I think I loved her, but not in that insane kind of way. I don’t think I knew her well enough for that. “
“Yeah,” Eddie says, heavily. “That makes sense.”
Eddie digests this, and Buck can see something occurring to him. Same thing that often occurs, when he tells people about it. He doesn’t say it, so Buck mentions it. “I know what you’re probably thinking. And yeah, we were sleeping with other people, but we were pretty honest with each other. We didn’t exchange names, but – she used to tease me about being the only white boy on her roster,” he smiles a little, thinking about being so young, joking with each other. “So. If you’d seen her, and then Glory. Well, it’s not hard to guess. And the timing matches.”
Eddie watches him, and his eyes are kind. “No, I’d never say that. You tell me she’s your kid, she’s your kid.”
Buck breathes, weirdly soothed. “Yeah. Thanks.” He takes a swig of his beer. “I wouldn’t care, honestly. If someone told me tomorrow she wasn’t mine. If they showed me DNA results. I wouldn’t care.”
“Because she’s your kid.”
Buck smiles. “Because she’s my kid.”
Eddie’s fingers tap on his nearly-empty beer. “Chris looks much more like Shannon. But I see Diaz-isms in him. Whenever he has a meltdown – which isn’t often, to be fair – he’s got Diaz blood in him.”
He chuckles, and Buck chuckles.
“Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I could see any Buckley in her at first.” Buck is picking at his beer label. “But I think I can, now. She has expressions that remind me so much of Maddie.”
Eddie smiles. “Yeah, I see my sisters in Chris, too.” He pauses. “She has your smile. Same dimples.”
Buck flicks his eyes up. “You think so?”
“Yeah,” Eddie says, lightly.
They keep each other’s gaze, smiling, for a long moment.
Of course, life moves on quickly. Eddie wants Chris to go to a better school, that can cater better for his needs. That school asks if they can meet his mother, and Eddie, wanting to do anything he can to give Chris a shot, gets in touch with her.
And then starts sleeping with her again.
And then, finally, brings her back into their family again. And just like that, Shannon is back.
With Shannon back, it feels only right that Buck takes a step back. Maybe they were falling into a bit of a routine for a moment there – something almost like a – but that sort of thinking is silly.
Eddie has that – that thing he can’t quite bear to name – with his wife and his son, and that’s how it should be.
It’s not like he doesn’t see Eddie, he sees him all the time. And he sees Chris from time to time. Not like before, but maybe that just wasn’t meant to be how it should be.
And Shannon’s cool, he thinks. He doesn’t really know her, but on occasion he’s caught up with Eddie and had time to talk to her. She is pretty, and he gets why Eddie must have fallen for her in school. She has a sparky sense of humour, and she teases him.
So if he misses the way it was before she came back, he keeps that to himself. Because Chris is so happy she’s back. And Eddie seems to be happy that she’s back. Certainly, over-the-moon to have his family back together.
There it is, the other f word.
He decides to focus on his own. He learns some new braiding styles he can do for Glory and gets really into this documentary about silkworms. He has coffee with Carla. He and Glory go see Maddie at her new place, and he notices she’s talking about Chim a lot. It’s weird that they’re friends, but what’s weirder is that they might be dating.
If they are, she can’t see it.
Which is ridiculous. They’re obviously more than friends. He’s seen the way they look at each other. It’s embarrassing they can’t see it.
But he’s happy for her, too. When she works it out.
“Why don’t we go over to Eddie and Chris’ anymore?” Glory asks him one night, when he’s giving her a bath.
The question makes him feel a little taken aback. “We still go.”
She pouts. “Not as much.”
He looks at her. “Well…you know how before, you and Chris just had your dads looking after you?”
She nods.
He tries to think of how to put it to her. “Well, back then, we could help each other out more by looking after you guys together. But now Chris’s mommy is home, she can help him look after Chris.”
Glory continues to pout. Shit.
He tries to smile. “But it’s ok, because we still all love each other. And we still get to see each other. We’re just not there as much, because they need their own time.”
She nods, but she still looks sad. It breaks his heart.
He strokes her back. “We’re still family, though, baby.”
“Family,” she repeats.
She looks up at him with big eyes, and his heart is just shattered by what she says. “My mommy’s never going to come home to us though. It’s not fair.”
He can’t help but pull her into a hug and kiss the top of her head. “I know,” he says, blinking. “It’s not fair. I’m sorry.”
She sniffles against his chest.
He lets her go, taking her hands in his. “But we’ve got each other, right? We’re fine together.”
She nods. “Two musky-tears.”
He grins. He’d never gotten her to pronounce it right. “That’s us. I love you, babygirl.”
“I love you, Daddy.”
Shannon’s death is infinitely worse than the feeling Buck had when she was back, and he felt like he and Glory weren’t a part of the family anymore.
This feels like a fucked-up monkey’s paw kind of wish. You wanted her gone, right? You got what you wanted.
He has to swallow down guilt and nausea at this thought. He didn’t want her gone. He missed the time she wasn’t there, maybe, but he never wanted her gone.
She wasn’t a bad person. And now two of the people he loves most in the world are devastated, and he doesn’t know how to make it any better.
He does what he can for Eddie. Tries to take care of cooking, laundry, basic things so he can do what he needs to do. He’s barely coping, he organises the funeral and he does everything needed of him but he’s grieving. He’s lost inside himself. Buck recognises the look, even if he can’t quite figure out why.
He worries about Chris. He’s so young. He’s only eight years old.
But he seems to be coping with it more than Buck would’ve at his age. If Maddie had died. Sure, he would have been sad if his mom had died, but it wouldn’t be as awful as if Maddie had.
One day, a few after the funeral – he had explained to Glory that Chris’ mommy wouldn’t be here anymore, and she’d just asked, ‘Like my mommy?’ and his heart had just about broken – he sees Glory sitting with Chris on the couch.
He stays in the doorway to listen, and they don’t see him.
“I’m sorry about your mommy,” Glory says.
Chris gazes down. “It’s alright. Tia Pepa says she’s always with us in a way.” He pauses. “And I got to be with her for a bit again.”
Glory nods. “She was nice.”
“She was.”
They’re quiet for a moment. “I never got to be with my mommy. Daddy has pictures, though.”
Chris turns to her. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to. I’m sure she was nice, too.”
“Daddy says she was.”
“Do you miss her?”
Buck tries to retreat, tries not to breathe.
“Sometimes I wish she was with us,” Glory says, instead. “But I’m glad we have you guys.”
“Me too,” Chris says, and his voice sounds wobblier this time.
Glory throws her arms around him. He seems surprised, then hugs her back.
Buck has to shut himself in the bathroom and cry for a minute.
Eddie doesn’t go back to his place. Carla had picked Glory up from daycare and taken her back to Buck’s. Abuela was at his place, looking after Chris.
Sometimes Carla picked both Glory up and Chris from school, and she’d look after them both for a little while before going home, and then Buck and Eddie would come home from shift and eat dinner together.
That was their routine now, the more time they all spent together. Eddie even bought a little camp bed, child-size, so they could stay over if Buck was exhausted after the shift. Glory seemed to love it. Everyone seemed to love it.
God.
Eddie takes a deep breath, steadying himself, just before he goes in. He has a key to Buck’s place. He’s not even sure when it happened, it was just easier, somehow. With the various looking after of kids and planning things together and in the mess of grief after Shannon, it helped.
He opens the door, takes off his shoes and goes into the living room.
Carla is sitting on Buck’s couch watching the news, but she gets up when she sees him. Her face is lined with concern. She’s probably desperate to go home, but she stayed longer to wait for him to get back. She’s too good to them. God, he doesn’t deserve her level of support.
She gets up without saying a thing, crosses, and hugs him tightly. He hugs her back.
It’s maybe the most comforted he’s been all day.
She lets him go. “I saw him on the news coverage. Is he –” she struggles. Her eyes are wide, and a little red. “How is he?”
He tries to find his voice. “He’s in surgery right now. They’re gonna let me know.”
His voice hitches, and he swallows. “How’s she doing?”
Carla breathes out, relief or fear, he can’t tell. “She’s in her room, and I told her you were going to come and see her.” She pauses. “You don’t have to go in alone, Eddie.”
He shakes his head. “I – I need to be the one to tell her.”
Carla pats his arm. “I think you’re the best person for it.”
He uses every bit of his remaining military stoicism not to cry. He’d never obsessively read the Bible as a kid or anything, but he knew the story of Job. God decided to test his loyalty by taking everything from him. He feels like having to tell his son that his mother was gone and wasn’t coming back this time already felt enough like losing everything, like having it ripped away by divine retribution. But now he has to tell a little girl her dad isn’t coming home tonight, and hope she doesn’t ask for how long.
He understands the grief and rage Job must’ve felt, honestly.
He keeps it together. “Thank you so much for staying. You should get home.”
She shakes her head. “No, of course. You’re my friends, whatever I can do to help.”
He makes sure he’s looking her dead in the eye. “Really, thank you.”
She smiles, though it’s sad and a bit lopsided. “Look after yourself. And call if you need.”
He nods. “Yeah. Yeah I will.”
She leaves, and he’s suddenly alone in Buck’s apartment.
He takes another breath and heads to Glory’s room.
She’s dressed, sitting on her bed playing with a doll. She smiles at him. “Eddie!”
“Hi, sweetheart.” He comes in further into her room. “Can I sit next to you?”
She nods, and moves to make room. It’s a small act that only breaks his heart more. She’s such a good kid. She’s so much of him.
She stares up at him guilessly. “Where’s Daddy? Is he here?”
He forces himself not to flinch, not to look away. “No, sorry, sweetie.”
Her face falls a little.
C’mon. Time to do it. It won’t get any easier.
“That’s why I’m here,” he says, gently as possible. “Your dad had an accident at work today, so he’s just had to stay at the hospital so they can make him better.”
Her eyes cloud with uncertainty and then – fear. He wants to be sick. He never wants to see fear in Chris’ eyes, or hers. “But,” she says, in the quietest little voice. “An acc-i-dent like my mommy?”
Of course Buck taught her the word. She’s just as curious as him, she would’ve wondered why she didn’t have a mother, she would’ve asked.
He takes her little hand in his. “Not like your mommy. He – he’s very strong, right?”
She nods, uncertainly.
“So he’s going to fight, and we’ll hear from him soon. He just needs some help from the doctors and some rest,” he tells her.
It’s worse telling your own child their mother is dead, but at least you can stick to the facts there. There’s a horrible kind of hope that he has to keep alive for her. At work, they say never promise anything to a patient, because you don’t know how it will go. But this isn’t work, and he’s got a scared five-year-old wondering if she’s going to lose her only other living parent.
Not that he’d let anything happen to her. He’d take her in, in an instant. He’d make it work.
Or, of course, she’d go to Maddie.
He’s not sure why he immediately thought about how he’d bring her into his life. But a part of him feels pained at the idea of anyone else looking after her if – if the worst – even Maddie.
Certainly not the grandparents who’ve never met her.
“Ok,” she says, bravely.
He squeezes her hand. She squeezes back. “Are you sad because Daddy’s been in an ac-ci-dent, Eddie?”
Her little voice takes him off guard. He blinks. “Uh, yeah, I guess. But I know how strong he is. And how much he loves you.”
She cocks her head slightly, and reminds him so much of Buck it’s like a physical stab wound. “And you, Eddie.”
He can’t help it, he breaks.
Glory climbs forward to throw her little arms around his chest. He holds her against him for moment, and for a moment he feels less awful. He desperately wants to see Chris.
He’s going to have to tell Chris, too.
Jesus.
“Sorry,” he says, letting her go.
“Daddy says it’s ok to cry because everyone feels like crying sometimes,” Glory tells him sagely. Buck would tell her that.
“That’s true.” He puts a hand on her shoulder. “I’m gonna get your bag, and then you’re gonna come sleepover with us for tonight, ok?”
She nods. “Ok, Eddie.”
He squeezes her shoulder lightly. “I know it’s scary, but we’re gonna get through it together.”
She nods again, then throws herself at him for another hug. “I’m glad you’re here. I love you.”
His heart breaks. “I love you, too,” he admits, kissing her curly head.
Of all places, Eddie had to take her to the mall. Buck was still off work and finding it difficult, but he’d had PT and been worn out and Carla couldn’t watch her, so Eddie had volunteered to take her – she needed some new shoes and then Eddie was going to take them to watch a kids movie. He didn’t care that he’d seen enough with Chris to be good for the rest of his natural born life, she was excited. And he was excited for her.
They didn’t even get to the shoes.
An earthquake – not a major one, but enough to shake the mall’s old foundations – shook the area they were in, causing structural damage.
Without thinking about it, Eddie protected her with his body from any debris. For the first time in a long time, maybe since Afghanistan, he felt like God or one of the saints was watching out for him, because he managed to avoid anything but a few scrapes and what would likely become bruises.
And thank God, Glory was unhurt, just scared.
So now he’s staying with her – it’s instinctive to try and make your way out, but there’s too much rubble just for him. He’s got an eye on the scene and there seems to be no imminent fear of collapse, but they just have to stay put and wait for the first responders to clear their path.
Her eyes are big. “Are they going to find us?”
He nods, squeezing her little hand. “Absolutely. Your daddy and me do this all day at work. We’re good at finding people. And we don’t give up.”
She nods, resolutely. “Daddy says that.”
His heart pangs. It’s ok. They’re getting out of here. They’re gonna be ok. Buck isn’t going to hate him for inadvertently endangering his only child.
“He never does,” Eddie tells her. “But we just have to wait.”
He squeezes her hand again. “What’s the biggest animal you can think of?”
He used to play this game with Chris when he was sad, when he was a little too rambunctious at some point into the trip driving up to LA from Texas. It always focused him.
“A hippo,” she says, decidedly.
“A hippo?” he says, with a laugh. “That’s the biggest one?”
She nods, matter-of-factly. “I saw a hippo at the zoo with Daddy and Chris and you, remember?”
He nods, smiling. The memory bites at him, but it keeps him going too. They’re ok, they’re not dying here. They just have to wait. “I remember. She was very big.”
“I love hippos,” Glory continues. “Daddy says she has a new baby. Have you ever seen a baby hippo?”
Eddie shakes his head. “I have not.” He pauses. “We’ll have to go, next time we have off work. Would you like that, Glo?”
She nods again, energetically. “Really? Can we see the baby?”
He nods back. “Really, really. That baby is too cute not to go see her.”
She smiles, actually, for the first time since the earthquake. “We’re going to see her,” she says, and then repeats it. “We’re going to see her.”
She curls into his side. His heart breaks. She’s so little. She shouldn’t have to go through this.
“Are you tired, Glo? You can take a nap on my chest if you want,” he says, turning his head to look down at her.
She turns her head up. “Yeah.”
He lifts her gently, and gets her settled on his lap. It’s not the most comfortable seat, in the rubble, but he’ll be ok for a while.
He strokes her head. And something comes to him that he hasn’t thought of since Chris was younger and he was suddenly figuring out how to be a single parent.
“Solskens öga ser på dig,” he starts to sing, softly. He doesn’t remember the exact meaning but it’s something about the sun’s eye and the embrace of sunshine. It always comforted him, when he was still little enough to be sung to. “Solskens famn dig vaggar.”
It makes him think of his mom stroking his hair, and being curled up with her like Glory is now.
“What’s that?” Glory asks, sleepily. “Why does it sound funny?”
“My mom used to sing it to me when I was your age,” he says, very gently, stroking her back like he remembers doing for Chris. “Her parents were from another country. Like my dad is.”
“Oh,” she says simply. “I like it.”
So he continues. “Snart blir grönt på skogens stig, och var blomma flaggar…”
Eddie gets up to leave, guilt sickening in his gut.
Buck catches his arm, getting up too. “Don’t leave yet.”
Eddie can’t look at him, not fully. “She’s settled, I should probably get home and relieve Carla.”
Buck’s eyes go all soft and sad, and Eddie feels worse, and glances away. “Eddie, c’mon. Look at me.”
Eddie hesitates, but then does. God, does Buck have to look like that?
“Buck –” he tries, weakly.
Buck keeps his gaze on him. “You know I’m not angry with you right? You’re not internalising this as like, something you’ve done wrong?”
Eddie blinks and then looks away. His eyes catch on a framed photo of the four of them at the beach one time. When did he put that up?
He blinks again. “It is, though. I shouldn’t have – I put your daughter in danger. It’s my fault she has to deal with this now!”
Buck seems annoyed by this, oddly. “Oh, so you were supposed to predict that mall was going to have a structural fault AND that there would be an earthquake today that exploited it?”
“Yes!” Eddie retorts, nonsensically. He rubs his eyes, uselessly. “You trusted me with her, and I failed her and I failed you.”
Buck’s face works, and Eddie thinks he might be genuinely angry, and then he puts a hand on Eddie’s bicep, steadyingly. “Eddie,” he says, far softer than Eddie deserves. “I will say this until you believe it. I don’t blame you for doing what I asked you to do today. Would it be my fault, if I’d been able to take her instead of you –”
The thought makes Eddie’s stomach drop. “Of course not – ”
Buck’s lips tick up, just a little. “You didn’t fail me. You kept her calm in a bad situation. She told me that it was scary, but she knew she’d be ok because she had you. And you make everything better.”
His voice cracks a little on the last word, and his eyes are shining, and Eddie can’t take it much longer.
“You almost lost her. I couldn’t – ” he can’t finish the sentence. He can’t finish the thought, for Glory or for Chris. It’s too painful to think about. He didn’t think he’d ever love someone else’s kid as much as Chris – he’s never been the type to gush over anyone else’s babies, he’s not someone who thinks of himself as a kid person – but he knows, after today, that he loves her like one of his family. He does not have the emotional bandwidth right now to think about how that extends to his feelings on Buck, but he has a feeling he’ll have to soon.
Suddenly, Buck is pulling him into a hug. “You saved her. I wouldn’t’ve wanted anyone else with her more.”
Eddie stiffens, then breaks and hugs him tightly. They don’t hug all that much, but since Shannon’s death – they’re a little more emotionally open. It’s like Eddie knows that Buck saw him at the height of that misery, and whatever masculine boundaries of emotion that a lot of friendships he’s had have had, are just broken down now.
They let each other go, and for a second he’s very close to Buck’s face and very emotional, and for a second he thinks that maybe – but then he pulls back.
Buck’s eyes are red, but he’s smiling, weak but genuine. “You can head off if you want. But say goodbye to her, alright?”
Eddie nods, wiping his eyes. “Of course.”
Buck watches him for a second, struggling with something wordless. “You do, you know. Make everything better.” His eyes are so blue, and Eddie wishes he didn’t know this, but especially if he’s been crying.
Eddie’s heart lurches and then returns to normal. “Thank you. You do too.” He pauses. “With – with me and Chris.”
Buck smiles, a little. Neither of them say anything.
“I should go say good night.”
Buck nods. “Yeah.”
Buck is exhausted, and feels as wrecked as the Santa Monica Pier is currently. He doesn’t deserve to have Chris and Eddie here. He doesn’t deserve to have Chris playing with his daughter in the living room.
He doesn’t deserve the look on Eddie’s face.
“I shouldn’t have taken him to the pier, I – ”
Eddie gives him an incredulous look. “You should’ve anticipated a freak tsunami?”
He can barely keep Eddie’s gaze. He blinks, and his voice hitches. “I lost him, Eddie. I couldn't bear if – ” he breaks off.
Eddie frowns. “You told me, when the mall collapsed, that I saved her. That you wouldn’t have wanted anyone else with her. Why is it different with you?”
Buck bites his lip. Eddie’s kind of got him there. But Eddie – it really wasn’t Eddie’s fault. Buck was – he feels like he brought it on himself, with how he’s been acting about not being a firefighter while he recovers from having a whole fire engine fall on his leg.
He was being ridiculous. Being a firefighter isn’t all he has. He has his beautiful daughter. And maybe –
Eddie has moved a grounding hand on to his shoulder, thumb on his pulse point. He feels like it’s holding him together.
“You saved him. That’s how he remembers it.” He pauses, something in his dark eyes. “There’s no one I trust with my son more than you.”
Buck’s heart skips a beat. He kind of wants to stand here forever. “I feel the same. About you and Glory.”
Eddie’s eyes widen, though this can’t be a surprise.
“Huh,” he says, softly.
Life moves at a relentless pace. And it again, almost ends Eddie’s.
They get back to Eddie’s and Chris and Glory are waiting up for them. Carla was able to pick them both up and take them to Eddie’s house.
She takes one look at Eddie when they get in and throws her arms around him. “You’re still freezing. Take a shower. Or better a bath.”
Eddie smiles tiredly. “I’m – I look worse than I feel.”
Buck isn’t sure if this is true. He was just buried under forty foot of mud, and he had to swim his way out.
It still makes him feel sick to think about.
He hasn’t really processed it. But all he can think about is the devastating feeling of loss, when he realised what had happened. It was kind of like a temporary madness, he couldn’t think about anything but how to get Eddie out. Because he couldn’t be dead. He just couldn’t.
He doesn’t really remember consciously choosing to dig in the mud with his hands. He just moved and he was there, fuelled by fear and desperation. He just remembers Bobby pulling him back and collapsing in tears. If it was someone else, he might have been embarrassed but not Bobby. They’ve been through too much together.
Carla gives him one of her motherly looks and turns to Buck. “Make sure he gets a bath.”
He smiles, weakly. “I’ll do my best.”
She turns back to Eddie. “And could you both stop almost dying? I care about you guys.”
He chuckles. “We’ll do our best.”
“Thank you,” she says. “Now go run that bath.”
He nods, smiling, and heads off.
She turns back to Buck. “And how are you doing, honey?”
He shrugs. “He’s ok. So, I’m ok.”
She has a magical kind of ability to stare at you with her big eyes and make you feel like you can’t lie to her. “You look pretty shaken.”
He breathes out. “It was – scary. Don’t know what I would’ve done if…” He can’t finish the sentence.
She puts her hand on his arm, and gives him the softest, most understanding expression he’s ever seen on her. “Buck, I know we don’t talk about it but – God only gives so many chances. If you feel it…you have to tell him, baby.”
Buck sucks in a breath but doesn’t pretend to be confused. “But it’s so – our whole life, and our kids, and our job, and if I ruin that…”
Carla just keeps her eyes on him, knowingly. “But what if you don’t?”
Buck can’t even hope for that. It seems too big. He hears his voice shake. “The risk is just too much.”
Carla moves her hand down to his and squeezes it. “It’s worth the risk. Your whole job is a risk, does that mean you don’t do it?”
Buck sighs, blinks. “Thank you,” he says, realising she’s got him. “I’ll think about it.”
She gives him a hug. He hugs her back, tightly. Her hugs are the best. “Say good night to him for me, and tell him to get a good night’s sleep alright.”
He smiles. “I’ll let him know.”
Contrary to certain popular opinion, Buck wouldn’t call himself exactly straight. It wasn’t really like he labelled it, but there was a brief period, mostly in Virginia Beach and Tampa, where he realised he wasn’t that fussed on gender if they were hot and into him. He would still say by the numbers, it was much more women than men, but it wasn’t an insignificant number of men.
Then he had Glory, and he didn’t have time for sex with women or men, and it kind of went on the backburner. Once he was in LA, and when they’d had some help, on the rare occasions he was out to find a hook up, he did sleep with one guy.
So, he wasn’t entirely shocked by his reaction to Eddie. He’d found him annoying, and annoyingly hot the first time they’d met. And then, they’d become friends, and he stowed that reaction away. What he hadn’t been prepared for, what had hit him like a train, was falling so deeply in love with him he couldn’t see it until he was surrounded by it.
But he was never going to do anything about it. He couldn’t be sure that Eddie felt anything more than close friendship for him. Sure, at this point having both saved each other and each other’s children, he knew they had love for each other. Hard not to. But as far as he knew – as far as he would allow himself to speculate – Eddie was a straight man.
But there had been a moment before – a moment when Eddie was about to have his bath where Buck passed him a towel and he took it but neither of them let go for a moment. Where it looked like Eddie wanted to say something, eyes strangely bright.
He just ended up thanking Buck, and Buck had said he’d stay over so he should take as long as he wanted.
Which leaves Buck now, on the couch. Thinking about him. Unable to stop.
He knows how astronomically lucky Eddie was to survive this one. He’s still trying to process that he almost lost him, is all.
He puts something on TV to distract himself, and doesn’t really watch it, until he hears Eddie’s socked footsteps into the living room.
He looks up. Eddie gives him a strange glance, sort of haunted and sort of calmed, like a man who has been through something. Which, to be fair, he very much has been.
Something is fighting its way up Buck’s throat, sticking there.
“Can I sit?” Eddie asks, and Buck pulls back so he’s not lying across the whole couch. He thinks – he thinks he sees Eddie’s eyes flick over him as he does, but he’s not sure. He’s still feeling pretty insane.
“It’s your couch,” Buck says, and Eddie half-smiles.
“That’s true.”
He sits down on the other side, and glances at the TV.
Neither of them speak for a moment.
“What are you watching?” Eddie asks.
Buck pauses it. “Some Netflix dating show.”
“Do you like it – ” Eddie starts, and the thing in Buck’s throat jumps out and cuts him off.
“You almost died tonight.”
“I remember,” Eddie deadpans.
Buck can’t laugh about this. It’s not funny. “Eddie you – I’m so glad you saved the kid but – ”
Eddie doesn’t look him in the eye. “I know, I know. But you don’t always get to be the reckless one.”
Buck shakes his head, and doesn’t say anything. “I don’t know what we’d do without you,” he says, to the coffee table, in a much smaller voice than he meant to. “Chris, me, Glory. She calls you my Eddie, you know that? She copies Chris’ thing for me, because she loves you like I love him. Like I think he might love me. Like – ” His voice deserts him completely.
The silence mounts between them, tense.
He can’t look at Eddie yet.
“Buck,” Eddie says, and he sounds so tired, and Buck instantly feels like such a shitty friend. He nearly died tonight, why is he getting mad? But it’s because he nearly died. He nearly left them, and some of that wasn’t his fault but some of it was. “I thought of you all, when I was down there,” he admits, croakily. “It made me realise something.”
Buck’s heart jumps, and he finally turns to look back at Eddie.
Eddie’s eyes are shiny, just a little. “I – I want you in my will. If something happens, I want Chris to be with you and Glory.”
Buck’s heart sinks again, even though this is maybe the sweetest thing anyone has ever said or entrusted him with. “Are you sure?”
Eddie nods. “We’re…family.”
This makes Buck’s heart explode with love, but also a strange kind of anger. He gets up.
“Buck?” Eddie asks, confused. Maybe a little hurt.
Buck turns his head back to Eddie, heart pounding. “If we’re family, why did you cut your line? That was fucking reckless, Eddie!”
Eddie’s expression is taken aback, and indignant. “You’re going to tell me about recklessness, Buck?”
“We’re not talking about me!”
Eddie gets up, frowning. “There was a kid, you would’ve done the same thing, I know you!”
Buck frowns, blood boiling. “Maybe, but these kids here need you! Your family needs you to come home!”
Eddie opens his mouth in wordless indignation. “I will always fight to come home to my family!”
Buck can feel the heat in his eyes, but he can’t stop. “I didn’t know that you were! I tried to dig you out by hand, because I couldn't cope with the thought of you just being dead!”
Eddie’s expression cracks, and there’s something quite painful in his eyes. “You tried to dig me out?”
Buck blinks at him, vision blurring. “I couldn’t bear it.”
Eddie stares at him like he can’t believe him for a moment. Then he surges forward, grabs Buck’s face in his hands and kisses him.
Buck kisses him back without even thinking. It’s like being in the field, like his body moving on its own to do what feels right. They don’t stop for a moment.
Eddie rests his forehead against Buck’s. “I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” Buck breathes, lightly.
Eddie takes a breath, continues. “But you have to be careful too, now. You have to come home to us too, Buck”
“Are we home now? Can we come home?” he whispers.
Eddie smiles and nuzzles his nose. “You could move into tomorrow. You spend so much time here anyway.”
Buck chuckles, but it becomes a wet, broken kind of chuckle.
Eddie strokes his face. “Are you ok?”
Buck sniffs. “No-one’s wanted to keep me before.”
Eddie kisses him again. “We’ll keep you forever, if you want. Both of you.”
Buck smiles, feeling much soothed. “That will thing was pretty romantic. Were you going to tell me about it if I hadn’t said that thing about Glory?”
Eddie smiles back, moving his hands down to Buck’s waist. “Probably.”
“Oh, you were probably going to tell me about this huge thing that would greatly affect my life,” Buck teases, pulling back slightly.
Eddie’s eyes are soft and dark, and he loves them. Loves Eddie’s cheeks and his happy, relaxed smile. “I was working up to it. Give me a break, it’s been a big day.”
Buck chuckles. “Alright, gorgeous. Let’s take a break.” He sits down on the couch where he was, makes space between his legs, and drags Eddie down to lie on his chest.
Eddie goes with a light oof.
He gets settled, and Buck wraps his arms around him, and Eddie wraps his around Buck’s chest.
“I love you,” Eddie mumbles into his chest. “I’d always fight to come back to you.”
Buck leans to kiss his head. It smells nicely of his shampoo. “You too. I love you too,” he half-whispers. Something occurs to him. “How are we going to tell our kids?”
Eddie chuckles into Buck’s chest. “That’s for tomorrow,” he says, sleepily.
Epilogue
Glory wakes up to a knock on her door. It’s Saturday. She slept well, and stays for a moment in the cosiness of her blankets.
“Breakfast in ten, honey,” comes Dad’s voice. He sounds upbeat, as usual. “I made waffles. Testing out my new birthday present.”
She grins. She, Chris and Eddie had planned it together. It’s a really nice waffle maker.
“Thanks Dad, I’m getting up,” she calls back.
She unwraps her hair, and spends a moment making sure it looks presentable, and then leaves the room. PJs are fine for a Saturday morning, and plus, she’s wearing the super cute ones with the stripes that she picked out with Eddie.
One might think that she’d never want to go into a mall or general shopping area with him again, but it’s the opposite. She just feels safe. Malls make her think of him.
She gets into the kitchen to see Dad kissing Eddie, more of a light peck than anything else, but she still makes a face. She has to tease them, because they do this a lot. “Ew, parents. No kissing over breakfast foods.”
Dad laughs. She almost doesn’t remember what it was like before – she does, but it feels far off – because since they’ve lived here, since moving in with Eddie and Chris, Dad has just seemed happier and more – she doesn’t know what, it’s hard to have a sense of your parent as a person when you’re really young but – more calm, maybe. Less anxious.
“I really can’t make that promise, pumpkin. Unfortunately, your other dad is just too handsome.”
She sighs dramatically, but she likes that they love each other so obviously. She doesn’t fear that her other dad is going anywhere. That’s how she thinks of him – he’s Eddie, because he’s always been her Eddie, and Buck has always been Chris’ Buck, but they think of them as their other parent. They’re not even stepparents, really. Just a third parent, the universe stepping into give them something beautiful in return for what was taken from them both at such a young age.
“Morning, mija,” Eddie says, as she wraps an arm around him to say good morning. He kisses her head.
“Morning, Eddie.”
She wraps her arms around her dad. “Morning dad.”
He kisses her curls lightly. “Morning, babygirl.”
He’s called her that her whole life. Part of her thinks it’s childish, now she’s getting older. But part of her never wants him to stop.
She helps set the breakfast table with them.
“Is Chris up yet?” Dad asks Eddie.
Eddie shakes his head. “I swear, it’s like I have to drag that boy out of bed.” He calls out. “Chris, vámonos!”
Soon enough, Glory hears the sound of his crutches on the wooden floors.
His hair is a mess of curls, but he’s holding out on getting it cut, because this girl he knows likes it. Teenage boys are weird.
“Morning Chris,” Dad says, chirpily, serving up the waffles.
“We were just about to send out a search party,” Eddie teases, and Chris grumbles.
“I’m here, jeez.”
“You know the rule. Saturday breakfasts when we’re all here together,” Buck adds, lightly. “I made you one with the whipped cream smile, eh?”
Chris tries not to smile. When you get to be fourteen, apparently you can’t find that fun anymore. He mostly fails though, as he takes the plate from Dad. “Thanks, Buck.”
“Happy to, Chris.”
Dad shares a smile with Eddie. There’s something she wonders if she’ll ever know, the closeness of them, of the instinctual bond they apparently have when working, from the stories she’s grown up hearing. It seems rare.
“So, Glory, what are we thinking for your eleventh?” Eddie asks.
Dad nods. “Present ideas? What are we thinking for the party?”
Glory shrugs. “I don’t know. Can we go rollerskating or something? And I was thinking new cleats for soccer.”
Dad laughs. “One, we can definitely do rollerskating as long as I can stay on the sidelines, I’m too big for all that, and two, it can be something fun, y’know? We can just get you some new cleats if you need them.”
Chris nods at her conspiratorially. “Yeah, think of something ridiculous and fun. I’ll help.”
Eddie chuckles. “As long as it’s something you want, Glo. Don’t let him influence you too much. We don’t need any more shoot-y games here.”
Chris scoffs. “I have moved on from that, Dad. You’re so out of the loop.”
Eddie makes a face at him, so Chris returns it.
Dad grins at her. She grins back.
“Who’s excited about our trip to Big Bear?” she asks. “I’m going to eat so many toasted marshmallows.”
“As long as you and Chris don’t play chubby bunny again,” Eddie says, grinning.
Dad shrugs. “I think we should let them!”
Eddie scoffs, “I should’ve said, as long as you, your brother AND your dad don’t play that game again –”
Dad squawks indignantly and Chris snorts. She grins. She loves their silly little family.